How You Know The Perfect Ribbon Is The Product For You

How do you know The Perfect Ribbon is a product for you?

If during your time of service you experienced…

 -What it’s like to be missing leg hair from shirt stays.

-What it’s like to have a shirt stay snap off under your pants.

-The term fancy Friday. 

-An undershirt is not required, but you will be corrected for not wearing an undershirt. 

-Ribbons are not even required… good luck trying that. 

-Black socks with small white stripes might seem harmless, but they seem egregious to others. 

-The slight smell of body odor is not enough of a requirement to remove all the ribbons and rank in order to wash the shirt.  The threshold is somewhere between slight and obvious. 

-While the military projects a tough demeanor, they like to play dress up more than runway models.

-Driving to work in the morning with the uniform on while drinking coffee is unfortunately the most dangerous part of the day.   

-Pockets do not have a straight edge. 

-Unbuttoning 13 buttons to use the bathroom.

-Pulling shirt stays around your hips to sit and use the bathroom.

-Service uniforms are more about exposing fat people than they are about anything else.

-The only people who really know what the ribbons signify… are other military people. 

-A guy can gain perspective about what it feels like to have someone look at his chest. 

-Avoided working out because there is too much coordination required with a service uniform change in the gym. 

-Off limits… perfectly usable… pockets.

-You have at least one Ricky Bobby moment a day because without the ability to use pockets… you don’t know what to do with your hands.  

-Looking ridiculous by placing stuff in your sock because you don’t want to use your pockets.

-Using your back pocket for a wallet, which carries an ID required for computer access 100 times a day… and being corrected for the back button of your pants not securely fastened. 

-An 1/8 of an inch seems to be in the eye of the beholder.

-Breathing may be less important than looking good. 

-Trying to place rank parallel to the deck seems like a bad joke.

-Wearing a seat belt might save lives, but it destroys ribbon racks. 

-Placing fingers on the bridge of your nose so that you know where to place your cover. 

-Calling a hat a cover. 

-Calling a hat a piss cutter. 

-Placing your service cover on backwards and realizing that military members are not very understanding. 

-Carefully examining your service cover when you place it on your head as you walk outside so that you don’t place it on backwards… again.

-Buckling the belt on your pants and then measuring the extra belt material. 

-After avoiding weekend duty, realizing your mistake when you show up for taco Tuesday in uniform. 

-Realizing the guy who has the most squared away uniform, is not usually the best operator in the field… despite how much our drill instructors try to convince us otherwise. 

-Not placing another ribbon on your rack because it’s too much work to buy another backing and update the entire thing. 

-Getting really frustrated when you rate the Joint Meritorious Unit Award because the ribbon is slightly larger than the rest and really messes up your rack.

-Trying on multiple T-Shirts because the neck seems too saggy with each one you try on. 

-Realizing the neck of a T-Shirt is maybe the most important part of the shirt. 

-Getting stabbed in the neck by the white insert part of a dress uniform.  No that’s not a hickey… I wore my dress uniform last night.   

-Getting confused with awards that require right to left coordination (combat action ribbon, oak leafs, etc.).  There is a difference in right/left from the perspective of wearing it vs. looking at it worn, which should be easy to understand…

-Every time you go from sitting to standing there is this readjusting of the shirt/pant tuck as if it’s some nervous tick all military members have. 

-Looking at another person with a flawless skin tight shirt, and wondering why after strapping your shirt with 13 shirt stays… you still have two distinct wrinkles. 

-Standing up in a meeting to brief and having someone point out a problem with your uniform. 

-Spending the rest of the meeting thinking of ways to get even with the person who called you out.

-Asking a pilot about strike flight numerals on their ribbons, being handed a complex formula about sorties, and then realizing pilots don’t even understand. 

-Being told you don’t rate the award because you were just doing your job in an above average manner. 

-Watching others get an award because they were just doing their job in a below average manner.

-Reading a silver star award citation from Iraq that is ten times more impressive than an old medal of honor citation.

-Reading the Sergeant’s achievement medal with “V” and realizing it’s more impressive than the bronze star received by the Battalion Commander. 

-Reading an old award citation hanging in the company office, realizing it is full of grammatical errors, and then hating yourself because grammar is what you noticed. 

-Finding any reason to go to the field so that you don’t have to wear the service uniform. 

-Arguing that 10% chance of rain is validation to wear cammies. 

-Putting a dress uniform back on while hungover the next day because you either forgot a change of clothes, or woke up in a location that didn’t have them.

-Going through the pain of bringing dress uniforms on a deployment, having them consume a portion of your tiny personal space, and then never wearing them. 

-Going through the right of passage of having your uniform tailored.  This is a nice way of saying you’re getting fatter and older. 

 

If you have other reasons please comment them below.


1 comment

  • Chris Cockrell

    -“Supervising” CSW cleaning, motor stables, and remedial E-Course runs on Fridays to stay in cammies!


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